Life in Second Place (Okay, more like tenth place)

There are two things you will learn about me after a week of getting to know me:

1. I really enjoy rock climbing.  To the point that I end up making every school project about it somehow.
2. I am not very good at rock climbing.  I finally just got my first V2, and I'm still working on getting an easy 5.10.  And I started climbing almost two years ago.  For those of you that don't understand what I just wrote, it just means I am still a beginner.

Of course it's frustrating because I want to be good at something I love.  And my fleshly side wants to make myself Great, in every way possible.  My fleshly side wants to be The Best.  The Prettiest, The Fittest, The Best Designer, The Best Climber.  My fleshly side says that if I'm not The Best At Everything, my life will be wasted.  It says what's the point of it all if you're bad at things?  Ironic though because I'm really not the best at anything.

But thankfully I am sometimes able to take a step back and discern a little.  God tends to swoop in during these times and give me a better perspective.  Because I am better at making lists than I am at writing, here is a list of what God tells me:

1. Don't make a hobby your life.  Don't make an idol out of it.  If you were great at it, it would be even harder for it not to become an idol.
2. Pretend you live your life being The Best.  Then what?  What happens when you die?  What did you get? What was your life about?  You know you don't want to waste your life by living it simply for yourself.
3. Your climbing abilities do not define you.
4. I use the weak to break the strong.
5. I still love you even though you aren't The Best.

I think God commands us to not care about certain things too much.  Why get so caught up in this life?  We are supposed to use this life for things that are bigger than ourselves.  Balancing idolatry and passion is a tough concept folks.  And believe it or not, I didn't make that list up.  Here are some verses to back it up:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10


If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God.  Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.  For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.
Colossians 3:1-4


Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life - is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.
1 Jn 2:15-17


Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.
Galatians 4:6-7





No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.  Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
Matthew 6:24-25

Things I am sure of

1. There is a creator
2. Humans suck
3. Jesus is who he said he was

Things I am unsure of
1. The difference between guilt and mourning the Spirit

Seed-planting is scary.

Sometimes I see girls and what they do and what they think and how they act, and I just want to shake them and yell at them something like "do you not realize how much you are disrespecting yourself and how unhappy you are and how much better things could be?!"

But of course I don't say or do anything because 1. It could be kind of hypocritical since that for sure used to be me and sometimes I still struggle (but actually this gives me more a heart for them because I KNOW they aren't happy since I know I wasn't), 2. I can't expect people to change their life if they don't even know Jesus at all, and 3. I can't force them to try and get to know Him.

I  also need to be motivated by love instead of frustration or pride or wanting them to "just get it" or whatever else happens inside me. That is something I'm working on.  Don't get into a God discussion unless my heart is in the right place and I am motivated by love.

I am overwhelmed right now, because I want to help people, but I don't know how to do it the right way.  And I don't want to seem like I think I'm better than them.

Confidence from the Lord

This is a new step, friends.  I am going to attempt a real live blog post that has a real topic and a real point and isn't all about me!  Bare with me though, I am a newb with not the best writing skills.  Basically I thought it would be nice for me to post something that would maybe help other people and be less "this is what's going on in my life and how I feel at this moment".  And one thing that I have been pondering for.. ever, pretty much is the happy medium between being prideful and being very timid.  What should our attitude/demeanor be like as Christians, if anything?

I think it is a known fact that boasting in ourselves is not from God.  Heck, even non-believers don't like people who are full of themselves.  My lovely friend Nattie has told me before that she thinks every single sin issue comes from pride, and that is showing itself more and more true to me.  If we were always as humble as we should be, we wouldn't rebel at all.

Now, just because I'm a naturally shy person doesn't mean I'm not prideful a lot still.  In my BC days, I thought that if I was quiet and nice to people, and people thought I was quiet and nice, I was a good person.  Wrong, that thought itself is prideful.  To think that I could be "a good person" just on my own.  These type of seemingly-backward thoughts keep revealing themselves to me.  Like not forgiving yourself or living in guilt.  Something that SEEMS humble is actually prideful.

"Who are you to not forgive someone I have already forgiven?" -God, via Nattie again :)

"I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!" Galatians 2:21

So.  This lead me to the other extreme: timidness and false humility.  Which pertains to myself.  Sometimes I wonder what causes me to by so shy.  I am naturally a soft-spoken person.  But I don't think it is very Godly of me to avoid meeting people and situations that require me to be bold due to shyness.  I think a lot of times shyness is a result of fear and anxiety and trying to find security in people instead of God.  I'm afraid people won't like me or will think I'm nuts for talking about Jesus.  I used to think this kind of attitude was better than being prideful, but that is untrue.

"Be everything you're supposed to
Let Christ rule your heart, mind, body, and soul 'cause He chose you
And if the world don't know you,
It don't matter, you're God's child, and He'll never disown you
Your purpose on earth is far from worthless
That's why you're glorified like your life's been purchased
And it don't matter if the world don't see us
we still mean the world to Jesus"
-Lecrae (poor grammar, good message) :D

Jesus calls us to be bold and not think badly of ourselves and find all acceptance and security in Him.

"May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." Galatians 6:14

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

So, to sum things up:
1. Pridefulness is next to stupidness
2. Being too shy is also prideful
3. God wants us to be confident, through Him

These are things I should work on.  Some practical application/goals for myself:
1. TALK TO PEOPLE.  Introduce myself, love them.  Talk to someone new in class/randomly once a week-ish.
2. Don't be afraid of sharing.  Really sit down and talk to someone about their life and what's going on and make sure they are at least exposed to the information of what Jesus did for them.
3. Look for my acceptance in God only.  This is vague, but I don't know how to make this into a practical application.  Any ideas?

There you have it.  Thoughts?  Comments?  Questions?  Complaints?

Fall is in full swing.

It's true.  My house is freezing, the outdoors is freezing, the buses are freezing.  I wear my bella jacket every day and am switching from iced chai to hot chai.  I am getting to that point where I am overwhelmed with homework and organizing my life.  I am thinking up halloween costume ideas, when really I know that I'm just going to end up being a ghost (you know.. a sheet with the eyes cut out).  I am counting down the weeks 'til Turkey Break.  I am counting down the weeks 'til a new Twilight movie comes out. :)

My hangout with Jesus, as of lately, feels not very good.  Imagine the Holy Spirit inside of me.. still there but kind of shriveled up like a giant prune.  Dried out.

The truth is, I am distracted, busy, un-involved, spending too much time being in the world, lacking self-control, discontent, and complacent.  I think wayyy too much about myself, am not trusting of God, and get way too angry and judgmental at people instead of having compassion.  I don't have accountability, and I'm not surrounded by people who are able to constantly be pouring into me.  Not that that's an excuse anyway.  But all of this is leading me to a very works-oriented mind.  And then I fail at trying to be better.  And then it's a big dumb circle.

I am (incredibly slowly) reading through Galatians, and this verse stuck out to me:
"Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods.  But now that you know God- or rather are known by God- how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles?  Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?" (Gal. 4:8-9)

Basically I think satan keeps telling me that I am still a slave to sin when that is not who I am anymore.  At least though, this verse tells me that this has happened to other christians before and I am not the only one.  My problem is though I don't know how to be better.  I know I want to love everyone around me sooo much more than I am currently, and I want to be a hard worker and not care about my own needs, and I want to be restful and not worrying about things, I want to TRUST God and spend more time with Him and actually read my bible and genuinely pour into others.  But how?  Because lately, when I try, I fail.

The song I listen to on repeat right now is Farther Along by Josh Garrels (this guy is my life, I'm tellin ya).  I think these words are a good ending note to this blog post because even though I am experiencing this low point right now, it is not the end of the world.  I still know I am a daughter of the King and have a hope in heaven.  And since I want to change, and he wants me to change, I think I will?  I think I am just being refined right now.  One thing I can say is that ever since I became a christian, I haven't ever been NOT joyful.  Obviously I've been sad or worried or angry, but I am always fulfilled.  Nothing ever hurts me to the point where I want to be done trying.  So there.  Here's Josh:

"Skipping like a calf loose from its stall, I'm free to love once and for all.  And even when I fall I'll get back up for the joy that overflows my cup.  Heaven filled me with more than enough, broke down my levee and my bluff.  Let the flood wash me."

Diligence.

I need more of it.
Today I took the whole day off.
Please help.

Goals:
1. Never, ever bring my debit card to campus.  And stop buying food in general, unless it's from the grocery store.
2. GET UP EARLY TO READ.  This is something I have never been able to accomplish in my life.  I always read before bed.  The time has come to read in the mornings.
3. Do my homework to the best of my ability, not just the bare minimum of whatever I need to get done.  And hey.. maybe get involved in some things?!  Whoa.  Yeah.
4. Be a better friend, be a better friend, be a better friend.

Basically, I need to have better time management.  And money management.  How do I do this?  Probably not by blogging about it, huh.

"My rest is a weapon against the oppression of man's obsession to control things."

Stand on the shores of a sight unseen, the substance of this dwells in me.  'Cause my natural eyes only go skin deep, but the eyes of my heart anchor the sea.  Plumbing the depths to the place in between the tangible world and the land of dreams, because everything here ain't quite what it seems, there's more beneath the appearance of things.  A beggar could be king within the shadows of a wing.

And wisdom will honor everyone who will learn to listen, to love, and to pray and discern.  And to do the right thing even when it burns.  And to live in the light through each treacherous turn.  A man is weak, but the spirit yearns to keep to the course from the bow to the stern, and throw overboard every selfish concern that tries to work for what can't be earned.  Sometimes the only way to return is to go where the winds will take you.  And to let go of all you cannot hold on to.  For the hope beyond the blue.

Yellow and gold as the new day dawns, like a virgin unveiled who waited so long to dance and rejoice and to sing her song and to rest in the arms of a love so strong.  No one comes unless they're drawn by the voice of desire that leads 'em along to the redemption of what went wrong.  By the blood that covered the innocent one.  No more separation between us.

So lift your voice just one more time.  If there's any hope may it be a sign that everything was made to shine, despite what you can see.  So take this bread, and drink this wine, and hide your spirit in the vine where all things work by a good design for those who will believe.  And let go of all we cannot hold on to.  For the hope beyond the blue.