"My rest is a weapon against the oppression of man's obsession to control things."

Stand on the shores of a sight unseen, the substance of this dwells in me.  'Cause my natural eyes only go skin deep, but the eyes of my heart anchor the sea.  Plumbing the depths to the place in between the tangible world and the land of dreams, because everything here ain't quite what it seems, there's more beneath the appearance of things.  A beggar could be king within the shadows of a wing.

And wisdom will honor everyone who will learn to listen, to love, and to pray and discern.  And to do the right thing even when it burns.  And to live in the light through each treacherous turn.  A man is weak, but the spirit yearns to keep to the course from the bow to the stern, and throw overboard every selfish concern that tries to work for what can't be earned.  Sometimes the only way to return is to go where the winds will take you.  And to let go of all you cannot hold on to.  For the hope beyond the blue.

Yellow and gold as the new day dawns, like a virgin unveiled who waited so long to dance and rejoice and to sing her song and to rest in the arms of a love so strong.  No one comes unless they're drawn by the voice of desire that leads 'em along to the redemption of what went wrong.  By the blood that covered the innocent one.  No more separation between us.

So lift your voice just one more time.  If there's any hope may it be a sign that everything was made to shine, despite what you can see.  So take this bread, and drink this wine, and hide your spirit in the vine where all things work by a good design for those who will believe.  And let go of all we cannot hold on to.  For the hope beyond the blue.

A couple few thangs

1. I am BUSY now.  I really want to write an organized blog post with an actual purpose to it, but I am not sure when I will find the time.
2. As a quick summary, my life now involves things like: Amanda Jorgensen, Christina Lopez, Kristina Emerick, running a mile every other day, half-hour long bus rides to campus every day filled with lecrae in my ears, remembering how much I actually enjoy my major (!) and am kind of good at it even, skyping and missing Holly Janecke, coming back to Cornerstone/Salt, missing Des Moines and everything in it, missing LINZI SHEROD, trying to learn more about cooking, filling out job applications, waiting for Emily to give me skate lessons, reading through 2 Corinthians, learning climbing lingo with Amanda and asking everyone and their three pets to teach me how to belay, learning contentment learning contentment learning contentment, resisting buying chai every day, healing the 15 bruises that were on my legs, actually doing my homework, anddddd being in a newly-formed relationship.
3. God is putting really random people in my life, and I'm trying to figure out what He wants me to do with them.
4. Quick story that you probably already know: Last spring, salt gave a message on giving that really changed my heart about how I spend my money.  They said "give more than you think you can manage, and then see how God still provides for your needs".  I was kind of unsure, but I decided to be as give-y as possible anyway.  I went through a TON of money over the summer, and I tried to help out my friends and family and give to people I know doing mission stuff a lot.  By the end of summer I was in the "okay, let's see how God will provide, because I kind of need Him too now" point.  Then, my dad did something that hurt me both financially and emotionally, but let's not get into the details of that.  The point is I was worried about whether I would even be able to go to school this fall.  So I was freaking out for a few days, but I got to meet with a financial aid guy and (very miraculously and only by Jesus) I am now financially set for the whole year!  And then some!  And the guy said he would help me out a lot next year when this same kind of situation comes up.  It's kind of a big deal.  PTL.

And now, I leave you with this:

I got to see all the sheep at the state fair, and it made me even more excited to own my flock of sheep in the future.  The only bad thing was they were all already sheered!

There's grace for people like me.

Right?  Yeah?

I want to write a long blog soon about how crazy great my summer was and how I'm moving back to Ames soon and just give a general update on my life.

But right now I feel the need to acknowledge the fact that recently I have been a pretty bad friend/sister/daughter.  I have a whole bunch of wonderful people in my life, but for the most part I have been shoving them onto the sidelines of my life. For the past week or so.

I have selfish priorities.

1. I'm sorry for hurting anyone and for taking everyone for granted.
2. Thank you for not hating  all over me, judging me, and for having patience.
3. I would like to change.  I will start now.

That's all for now I guess.  Be back soon, blog.

Furious Love

And I watch that over, and over and over in people’s lives where they go “I don’t like God anymore.” Something terrible happens in their life, maybe their spouse dies or they lose a child or, all the crazy stories we hear, and they go “that’s God’s fault, I blame God for that,” and they walk away. But God goes, “I still love you, I still care about you, and I will set up circumstances so that you will have to try very hard, to not love Me back, because I, in this marriage, I’m the bridegroom, and you’re the bride. And in this marriage, I’m the one pursuing you, I’m the male in this relationship, I’m the pursuer, and I love you way more than you love me, and you can try to reject me and play hard to get, but you have no idea how hard it’s gonna be, to not love me.”

-Kris Vallotton, Associate Pastor, Bethel Church, Redding, CA

You don't get it.

So, my friend painted me this painting.  It's a painting of Jesus' face with crosses and some hebrew on it, except it's great because she painted it in this raw, real, "Jesus actually walked the earth and died for you and was exactly who he said he was and has significantly changed my life" kind of way that only she can project onto a canvas.  I was really happy when she gave it to me.  But this morning I woke up, and it was the first thing I saw, and the Holy Spirit just kind of jumped inside me for a second.  Immediately a question formed itself in my mind.  Immediately.

"Do you not understand what I've done for you?"

And bam, convicted just like that!  But in such a loving way.  There's nowhere I can run to where the Lord isn't there pursuing me still.  I can pretend to ignore Him as much as I want, but that doesn't mean He's not there loving me, and it doesn't mean He's not going to find some super creative way to get my attention.  You know, for a long time I thought of God as kind of stoic.  Not like He's standing there with His arms crossed and silently shaking His head at me, but not like he's ever excited or happy with me either.  I asked Him to help me understand how He views me, and it's starting to make more sense!

Which brings me back to that question.  And leads me to the conclusion that I am gradually wrapping my mind around the fact that God loves me.  That's super basic, I know, but to FULLY understand it is a crazy thing.  If I fully understood that God is real and Jesus is real and He gave Himself as a sacrifice for all the wrong I have done and ever will do and that I will be spending ETERNITY with Him.. well that should dramatically change my perspective on life and how I live.  Now let me type to myself here for a minute because I'm horrible at writing and need to get this out of my head..

Do I not understand what Jesus did for me?  How I mean the world to Him?  How the creator of all those mountains I think are so pretty and those thunderstorms and those crazy fish that live a million miles under water and the stars that are lightyears away created ME?  How He decided to give me lots of freckles and be more pale than anyone I know and made the sound of my own personal laughter and the way I look when I'm crying? And how He tells all the cells of my body what to do and makes my heart keep beating for all this time and makes my brain do a bazillion things all at once?  How He thought up a beautiful, joyful, perfect plan for my life before I was born and knows everything that has yet to happen to me?  Do I understand how I run and run and run from Him and blatently reject what He's telling me to do and usually end up hurting myself and have to deal with a bunch of consequences, and even though this happens, He's still patiently waiting for me with open arms?  How He protects me every day and provides the things I need?  How He's blessed me with good health, a fantastic standard of living, personal freedoms, amaaaazing people in my life, a family that truly cares for me, and seemingly endless opportunity for the rest of my life here?  How the God of everything humbled Himself by becoming a baby on earth, grew up, let Himself suffer a horrible death, and allow all of God the Father's wrath that I deserved to be poured out on Himself, even though He didn't do a single thing wrong in His entire life?  How He has so patiently and creatively brought people into my life to help re-introduce me to Him?  How He has lifted me out of circumstances that I couldn't/wouldn't get out of on my own?  Do I understand how He knows my true potential and everything I will do with the rest of my life here, and how it will be great as long as I listen to Him?

Okay, that was long.

But really.  This is where I'm at right now.  Jesus is enthralled by me.  Doesn't that mean so much more than what any human being could ever think of me?  This is security and acceptance, my friends.

This was unintentional.

Lord, something I need from You pretty badly right now is solid truth that can put my emotions on the back burner.  And peace.  Teach me to be content with You, at all times, no matter what my life is doing.

These mean a lot to me.

So I swallow my pride,
Empowered by God,
I'm complete in Him.

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace.
Acts 20:24