"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

Exodus 14:14

Looking back through my journal, I saw I wrote something on April 1 that was like "I think my brain is trying to push February out of my mind entirely it was so horrible.  March was all over the place.  What the heck is April going to bring?  May?  Summer?!"  I remember writing that being terrified I was never going to feel better.  I think that was the worst part, just not knowing if I could even feel better.  I know this is repetitive and probably annoying by now, but the only thing I cared about (and my whole identity) was taken from me and it wasn't fun.  I just feel like reflecting for a minute because enough time has gone by now that I am starting to see ways God has been working through it more and more clearly.

I wasn't sure what April was going to bring in the beginning, but now May is here and I can tell you that April brought healing.  I am not the same person I was at the beginning of this semester.  In so many ways.  At first I had absolutely no choice but to rely on God to get through the day.  I work at 7 am two days a week, and I walk there, so that means I get up at 6 am.  In the middle of February that means it's pitch black out and freezing and pretty much the last thing I wanted to do in life.  Not to mention nobody else is awake, let alone outside.  Add to that I no longer had what my entire life revolved around, leaving me with zero ambition, zero identity, zero future, zero self-assurance, the list goes on.  Perhaps it was my people-pleaser personality that got me out of bed, or maybe I needed routine.  But I set out on my dark/freezing/blizzard journey every day and played Phil Wickham the whole way.  I really need to download new worship music by now haha.  Anyway.  Me and God began building a true and lasting relationship during these times.  I thought I knew him before, but I had no idea.  It's hard to explain.  I learned to be honest with him, to trust him, to ask him for help, to let him take care of me, to be broken in front of him, to just plain hangout with him.  And then he surrounded me with amazing people.  Suddenly I made a bunch of friends and started putting myself out there and trying to genuinely care for everyone else.  I'm not alone.  I have built some wonderful lasting friendships and am so grateful to be able to say that.  Not to mention I've been a baby and kind of an emotional leach the whole semester so it's not like I even deserved them.  And then I started to really understand the bible as God's word, which has been great.  In order to get through some days I spent all my free time just reading and learning.

This is cheesy, but as the weather got warmer and the snow melted and things started turning green, I've seen more changes in myself, and I'm continuing to grow.  I am a blank slate.  In so many ways I have died to a past life and a past self.  I'm gradually finding out who I am and who I am supposed to be.  I am finding new and re-newed passions of mine.  My future is wide open.  A lot of negativity has left my life, and this is a good thing.  I remember when I first caught myself feeling happy, or when I caught myself thinking about something else for once.  These times are increasing and growing closer together.  I remember finally getting a peaceful night's sleep.  One of the best days was when I decided to fight back against myself and my negative thoughts.  I know all of this comes only from constantly relying on and being absolutely desperate for God.  This was not my choice.  I kicked and screamed until I had nothing left.  God picked me up and placed me where he wanted me, which is actually what is best for me and for my own good.  But I couldn't do it myself.

I am not completely healed yet.  There are still some bad times, and let me tell you I still have so much to learn.  But underneath the temporary bad emotions is a completely real and solid peace.  There is hope and freedom.  There is joy!  And these are brand new feelings.  I don't think I have been this happy since I was a little girl.  Truth.  It's kind of amazing.  I know I am and always will be taken care of.  And whenever I fall into things I shouldn't be, I feel God catching me and bringing me back.  He really is not leaving me, and it's so crazy.

Well, there's that.  Now summer is starting.  I have no idea what will happen.  I think I will just float for awhile.