Come and Save Me

"Some of My children find Me more readily during dark times, when difficulties force them to depend on me.  Others feel closer to me when their lives are filled with good things.  They respond with thanksgiving and praise, thus opening wide the door to My presence."
-Jesus Calling

I have been kinda bumming out about how selfish I've been the last couple of days.  I keep getting worked up and anxious over things in my life, and I am a firm believer that worry always results in sin (aka not trusting God has a handle on situations), and I'm basically just in one big pile of selfish, anxious, stupid sin.  And then on top of that, I am succeeding at reading everything BUT my bible a lot lately, and I just miss God.  And I'm the one keeping myself from being close to Him.  Annnd we're back in the big pile of selfishness.

I think a key part of deciding to follow Jesus means you switch the focus from yourself to Him.  Francis Chan woke me up to the idea that I seriously need to get over myself already.  And that life is NOT about me.  It isn't. Sometimes I grasp this idea fully, and when that happens, I feel freedom.  So why aren't I a wonderful selfless person all the time?  Does this mean my flesh is ALWAYS going to hold me back?  My whole life?  That makes me want to cry.  But at the same time it kind of makes sense, that I can never measure up to God.  And even more thankful for what Jesus did.

I am a terrible writer, I should probably tie in to that quote I put at the top.  Even though I am in my selfish rut right now, it seems like God is showering me with blessings.  I have not been this happy in general ever.  God is just giving me gifts upon gifts and I am so confused at them.  Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  That is a really lovely verse, but I feel like I am not loving Him enough to deserve everything He is giving me right now.  Obviously I want to feel closer to God during times like these, and I hope He can teach me to be more gracious and thankful and just accepting of what He gives me.  If I'm being honest though, I have never felt closer to Him than when I am suffering, when all I can do is depend on Him.  That scares me, because that might mean I have to go through more suffering to be closer to Him.  I mean if that's what it takes.. then okay.

I think the point of this post was to a) express some thanks for this hurricane of undeserved love God is giving me, but also to b) work through in my mind that I will probably go through more tough times in order to be closer to Him.  Which is good.  This is what I want.

And also c) to ask for help on shifting my focus from what I want to what God wants and what I can be doing for other people.  That solves my whole worrying problem too.

There you have it, folks.