Crazy past couple of days

Everyone needs a Linzi and Megan in their life, for times when several sad things get piled on you all at the same time, and you start being a baby and cry in the car.  They will pull over to a sketchy area, give you a sandwich hug, tell you nice things, and give you a towel to use as a kleenex.  And then they will make you a family dinner consisting of chips, more chips, tater tots, pizza rolls, "apple pie", and guy gardners.  And then you will get to play with Tender.

I will miss things like this, a lot, when/if I move back to Ames.

I would much rather have the life I have now and everyone in it, than go back to January, have an unnamed person back in my life, and have the future I thought I was going to have.

God isn't always necessarily kind, but He IS. ALWAYS. LOVING.

Heart Guard

A few things I thought about tonight:
1. I am happy to be naive.  Not ignorant, just kind of protected from some things that sadly, a lot of people experience.  I am more blessed than I realize.  I am happy to be an introvert.  I am happy to be a good girl.  I like wanting to be friends with everyone.  I'm glad I am super weird and make failed attempts at jokes all the time.  I am happy to be able to say that I don't hate myself, I don't think I am extremely ugly, I know I have worth, and I know I am loved.  There are a lot of people that can't say those things.  That hurts me, and I just want them to not feel that way, and I wish I could help them more.
2. I am not going to date anyone except my husband.
3. I wish there was Anthem in the summer.

And now, some pictures of sheep.  Because why not.

well, guess I know where I want to live now.

:)

Yesterday I got this email that was SUPER encouraging to me.  It's from this person that I've been talking to about Jesus for almost a year pretty much.  I've brought her to church a lot and we've had lots of deep talks about stuff.  We're reading a book together right now, and we've been discussing it almost every day.  She sent me an email with a bunch of questions.  I tried to answer them as best I could.  And then she sent THIS back to me:

(A few things have been minorly changed to keep anonymity!)

Kaytee--

I am going to print this email out and keep it for the rest of my life.  I know why we are reading this book (so I guess God must have planned it--hmph--he's showing me up).  You are helping me with Truth.  I am helping you fine tune the gift of evangelism.  You are not talking at me; lecturing off things you have memorized from church.  You are speaking from a much deeper place because you love me.  I can't tell you how many puzzle pieces were put together for me in one email.  Maybe God wants to teach you how to love all of His people because if you are to be an evangelist you have to love all God's people and speak to them from a love that wants to heal them. Getting to know you for the last couple of years has shown me that you are not just "my younger friend".  You have helped me tread water for a while.  I think you understand how I come to Jesus from a broken place and you want to free me as I wanted to free my brother, and that is a live example of Jesus's love through you.  That is true evangelism.  Remember when I had my "Cornerstone meltdown" and we talked in my apartment for a while.  I told you some examples of what I carry and you said, "I feel like I haven't been through anything that hard in my life."  You have been through hard times, but you are not shattered.  Remember that day I was furious at the pastor because he was speaking about church planting and evangelism and all the college kids in Iowa City they were helping.  I got angry because I didn't believe him.  I didn't think he knew about who needs evangelism.  I was angry that he was so focused on college kids. I kept thinking about Christ spending most of His time with the lepers, prostitutes, tax-collectors, and adulterers.  I know I got overly angry that day because of the journey I am on, but Kaytee--YOU are getting a sneak peek at a shattered heart; enslaved and scared by life, but that Jesus wants to put back together again.  If you looked for brokenness in other people and loved them as you love me you could unlock some of those chains on people.  You are learning how to speak from love and not lecture.  Some time in your life you may come across someone Jesus asks you to "save".  If you try to identify with the pain they are feeling you will know what NOT to say to them, to earn their trust, and then you can speak to them out of love.  You could go deeper with evangelism.  Find the women at the well or the leper.  Be brave enough to feel their pain that you have witnessed through me. So you know exactly what to say and what NOT to say.  You may be being groomed to have a gift similar to your older pastor's wife. Prepare for battle Kaytee it could get rough:)

Literally the day before I got this I was praying and being like "God have I ever helped someone see who you are?" Because I usually end up feeling like I've pushed people away after I talk to them about Jesus.  But seeing that Jesus worked through me to help just one person, makes everything worth it!  We really shouldn't be so afraid to share the gospel.  Yes, there will be a lot of people cutting you down for it and denying everything you're speaking about.  But every once in awhile, someone opens their heart and they get it!  God is crazy and sneaky.

Happy happy happy.

Come and Save Me

"Some of My children find Me more readily during dark times, when difficulties force them to depend on me.  Others feel closer to me when their lives are filled with good things.  They respond with thanksgiving and praise, thus opening wide the door to My presence."
-Jesus Calling

I have been kinda bumming out about how selfish I've been the last couple of days.  I keep getting worked up and anxious over things in my life, and I am a firm believer that worry always results in sin (aka not trusting God has a handle on situations), and I'm basically just in one big pile of selfish, anxious, stupid sin.  And then on top of that, I am succeeding at reading everything BUT my bible a lot lately, and I just miss God.  And I'm the one keeping myself from being close to Him.  Annnd we're back in the big pile of selfishness.

I think a key part of deciding to follow Jesus means you switch the focus from yourself to Him.  Francis Chan woke me up to the idea that I seriously need to get over myself already.  And that life is NOT about me.  It isn't. Sometimes I grasp this idea fully, and when that happens, I feel freedom.  So why aren't I a wonderful selfless person all the time?  Does this mean my flesh is ALWAYS going to hold me back?  My whole life?  That makes me want to cry.  But at the same time it kind of makes sense, that I can never measure up to God.  And even more thankful for what Jesus did.

I am a terrible writer, I should probably tie in to that quote I put at the top.  Even though I am in my selfish rut right now, it seems like God is showering me with blessings.  I have not been this happy in general ever.  God is just giving me gifts upon gifts and I am so confused at them.  Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  That is a really lovely verse, but I feel like I am not loving Him enough to deserve everything He is giving me right now.  Obviously I want to feel closer to God during times like these, and I hope He can teach me to be more gracious and thankful and just accepting of what He gives me.  If I'm being honest though, I have never felt closer to Him than when I am suffering, when all I can do is depend on Him.  That scares me, because that might mean I have to go through more suffering to be closer to Him.  I mean if that's what it takes.. then okay.

I think the point of this post was to a) express some thanks for this hurricane of undeserved love God is giving me, but also to b) work through in my mind that I will probably go through more tough times in order to be closer to Him.  Which is good.  This is what I want.

And also c) to ask for help on shifting my focus from what I want to what God wants and what I can be doing for other people.  That solves my whole worrying problem too.

There you have it, folks.

Will you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

Heavenly Father, you always amaze me.  Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life.  Give me the food I need to live through the day and forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me.  Lead me far from temptation, deliver me from the evil one.  I look out the window, the birds are composing.  Not a note is out of tune or out of place.  I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers, better dressed than any girl on her wedding day.  So why do I worry?  Why do I freak out?  God knows what I need, You know what I need.  Your love is strong.  The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing.  Invade my heart, invade this broken town.  The kingdom of the heavens is buried treasure.  Will you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?  Two things you told me- that you are strong and you love me.  Yes, you love me.  Your love is strong.  Our God in heaven, hallowed be Thy name above all names.  Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us today our daily bread, forgive us weary sinners.  Lead us far from our vices, and deliver us from these prisons.

Hey Jesus

Can you teach me to be content in you and only you?  I keep tricking myself into thinking I need other things to make me happy.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

Exodus 14:14

Looking back through my journal, I saw I wrote something on April 1 that was like "I think my brain is trying to push February out of my mind entirely it was so horrible.  March was all over the place.  What the heck is April going to bring?  May?  Summer?!"  I remember writing that being terrified I was never going to feel better.  I think that was the worst part, just not knowing if I could even feel better.  I know this is repetitive and probably annoying by now, but the only thing I cared about (and my whole identity) was taken from me and it wasn't fun.  I just feel like reflecting for a minute because enough time has gone by now that I am starting to see ways God has been working through it more and more clearly.

I wasn't sure what April was going to bring in the beginning, but now May is here and I can tell you that April brought healing.  I am not the same person I was at the beginning of this semester.  In so many ways.  At first I had absolutely no choice but to rely on God to get through the day.  I work at 7 am two days a week, and I walk there, so that means I get up at 6 am.  In the middle of February that means it's pitch black out and freezing and pretty much the last thing I wanted to do in life.  Not to mention nobody else is awake, let alone outside.  Add to that I no longer had what my entire life revolved around, leaving me with zero ambition, zero identity, zero future, zero self-assurance, the list goes on.  Perhaps it was my people-pleaser personality that got me out of bed, or maybe I needed routine.  But I set out on my dark/freezing/blizzard journey every day and played Phil Wickham the whole way.  I really need to download new worship music by now haha.  Anyway.  Me and God began building a true and lasting relationship during these times.  I thought I knew him before, but I had no idea.  It's hard to explain.  I learned to be honest with him, to trust him, to ask him for help, to let him take care of me, to be broken in front of him, to just plain hangout with him.  And then he surrounded me with amazing people.  Suddenly I made a bunch of friends and started putting myself out there and trying to genuinely care for everyone else.  I'm not alone.  I have built some wonderful lasting friendships and am so grateful to be able to say that.  Not to mention I've been a baby and kind of an emotional leach the whole semester so it's not like I even deserved them.  And then I started to really understand the bible as God's word, which has been great.  In order to get through some days I spent all my free time just reading and learning.

This is cheesy, but as the weather got warmer and the snow melted and things started turning green, I've seen more changes in myself, and I'm continuing to grow.  I am a blank slate.  In so many ways I have died to a past life and a past self.  I'm gradually finding out who I am and who I am supposed to be.  I am finding new and re-newed passions of mine.  My future is wide open.  A lot of negativity has left my life, and this is a good thing.  I remember when I first caught myself feeling happy, or when I caught myself thinking about something else for once.  These times are increasing and growing closer together.  I remember finally getting a peaceful night's sleep.  One of the best days was when I decided to fight back against myself and my negative thoughts.  I know all of this comes only from constantly relying on and being absolutely desperate for God.  This was not my choice.  I kicked and screamed until I had nothing left.  God picked me up and placed me where he wanted me, which is actually what is best for me and for my own good.  But I couldn't do it myself.

I am not completely healed yet.  There are still some bad times, and let me tell you I still have so much to learn.  But underneath the temporary bad emotions is a completely real and solid peace.  There is hope and freedom.  There is joy!  And these are brand new feelings.  I don't think I have been this happy since I was a little girl.  Truth.  It's kind of amazing.  I know I am and always will be taken care of.  And whenever I fall into things I shouldn't be, I feel God catching me and bringing me back.  He really is not leaving me, and it's so crazy.

Well, there's that.  Now summer is starting.  I have no idea what will happen.  I think I will just float for awhile.