It's true. My house is freezing, the outdoors is freezing, the buses are freezing. I wear my bella jacket every day and am switching from iced chai to hot chai. I am getting to that point where I am overwhelmed with homework and organizing my life. I am thinking up halloween costume ideas, when really I know that I'm just going to end up being a ghost (you know.. a sheet with the eyes cut out). I am counting down the weeks 'til Turkey Break. I am counting down the weeks 'til a new Twilight movie comes out. :)
My hangout with Jesus, as of lately, feels not very good. Imagine the Holy Spirit inside of me.. still there but kind of shriveled up like a giant prune. Dried out.
The truth is, I am distracted, busy, un-involved, spending too much time being in the world, lacking self-control, discontent, and complacent. I think wayyy too much about myself, am not trusting of God, and get way too angry and judgmental at people instead of having compassion. I don't have accountability, and I'm not surrounded by people who are able to constantly be pouring into me. Not that that's an excuse anyway. But all of this is leading me to a very works-oriented mind. And then I fail at trying to be better. And then it's a big dumb circle.
I am (incredibly slowly) reading through Galatians, and this verse stuck out to me:
"Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God- or rather are known by God- how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?" (Gal. 4:8-9)
Basically I think satan keeps telling me that I am still a slave to sin when that is not who I am anymore. At least though, this verse tells me that this has happened to other christians before and I am not the only one. My problem is though I don't know how to be better. I know I want to love everyone around me sooo much more than I am currently, and I want to be a hard worker and not care about my own needs, and I want to be restful and not worrying about things, I want to TRUST God and spend more time with Him and actually read my bible and genuinely pour into others. But how? Because lately, when I try, I fail.
The song I listen to on repeat right now is Farther Along by Josh Garrels (this guy is my life, I'm tellin ya). I think these words are a good ending note to this blog post because even though I am experiencing this low point right now, it is not the end of the world. I still know I am a daughter of the King and have a hope in heaven. And since I want to change, and he wants me to change, I think I will? I think I am just being refined right now. One thing I can say is that ever since I became a christian, I haven't ever been NOT joyful. Obviously I've been sad or worried or angry, but I am always fulfilled. Nothing ever hurts me to the point where I want to be done trying. So there. Here's Josh:
"Skipping like a calf loose from its stall, I'm free to love once and for all. And even when I fall I'll get back up for the joy that overflows my cup. Heaven filled me with more than enough, broke down my levee and my bluff. Let the flood wash me."
