Seed-planting is scary.

Sometimes I see girls and what they do and what they think and how they act, and I just want to shake them and yell at them something like "do you not realize how much you are disrespecting yourself and how unhappy you are and how much better things could be?!"

But of course I don't say or do anything because 1. It could be kind of hypocritical since that for sure used to be me and sometimes I still struggle (but actually this gives me more a heart for them because I KNOW they aren't happy since I know I wasn't), 2. I can't expect people to change their life if they don't even know Jesus at all, and 3. I can't force them to try and get to know Him.

I  also need to be motivated by love instead of frustration or pride or wanting them to "just get it" or whatever else happens inside me. That is something I'm working on.  Don't get into a God discussion unless my heart is in the right place and I am motivated by love.

I am overwhelmed right now, because I want to help people, but I don't know how to do it the right way.  And I don't want to seem like I think I'm better than them.

Confidence from the Lord

This is a new step, friends.  I am going to attempt a real live blog post that has a real topic and a real point and isn't all about me!  Bare with me though, I am a newb with not the best writing skills.  Basically I thought it would be nice for me to post something that would maybe help other people and be less "this is what's going on in my life and how I feel at this moment".  And one thing that I have been pondering for.. ever, pretty much is the happy medium between being prideful and being very timid.  What should our attitude/demeanor be like as Christians, if anything?

I think it is a known fact that boasting in ourselves is not from God.  Heck, even non-believers don't like people who are full of themselves.  My lovely friend Nattie has told me before that she thinks every single sin issue comes from pride, and that is showing itself more and more true to me.  If we were always as humble as we should be, we wouldn't rebel at all.

Now, just because I'm a naturally shy person doesn't mean I'm not prideful a lot still.  In my BC days, I thought that if I was quiet and nice to people, and people thought I was quiet and nice, I was a good person.  Wrong, that thought itself is prideful.  To think that I could be "a good person" just on my own.  These type of seemingly-backward thoughts keep revealing themselves to me.  Like not forgiving yourself or living in guilt.  Something that SEEMS humble is actually prideful.

"Who are you to not forgive someone I have already forgiven?" -God, via Nattie again :)

"I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!" Galatians 2:21

So.  This lead me to the other extreme: timidness and false humility.  Which pertains to myself.  Sometimes I wonder what causes me to by so shy.  I am naturally a soft-spoken person.  But I don't think it is very Godly of me to avoid meeting people and situations that require me to be bold due to shyness.  I think a lot of times shyness is a result of fear and anxiety and trying to find security in people instead of God.  I'm afraid people won't like me or will think I'm nuts for talking about Jesus.  I used to think this kind of attitude was better than being prideful, but that is untrue.

"Be everything you're supposed to
Let Christ rule your heart, mind, body, and soul 'cause He chose you
And if the world don't know you,
It don't matter, you're God's child, and He'll never disown you
Your purpose on earth is far from worthless
That's why you're glorified like your life's been purchased
And it don't matter if the world don't see us
we still mean the world to Jesus"
-Lecrae (poor grammar, good message) :D

Jesus calls us to be bold and not think badly of ourselves and find all acceptance and security in Him.

"May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." Galatians 6:14

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

So, to sum things up:
1. Pridefulness is next to stupidness
2. Being too shy is also prideful
3. God wants us to be confident, through Him

These are things I should work on.  Some practical application/goals for myself:
1. TALK TO PEOPLE.  Introduce myself, love them.  Talk to someone new in class/randomly once a week-ish.
2. Don't be afraid of sharing.  Really sit down and talk to someone about their life and what's going on and make sure they are at least exposed to the information of what Jesus did for them.
3. Look for my acceptance in God only.  This is vague, but I don't know how to make this into a practical application.  Any ideas?

There you have it.  Thoughts?  Comments?  Questions?  Complaints?

Fall is in full swing.

It's true.  My house is freezing, the outdoors is freezing, the buses are freezing.  I wear my bella jacket every day and am switching from iced chai to hot chai.  I am getting to that point where I am overwhelmed with homework and organizing my life.  I am thinking up halloween costume ideas, when really I know that I'm just going to end up being a ghost (you know.. a sheet with the eyes cut out).  I am counting down the weeks 'til Turkey Break.  I am counting down the weeks 'til a new Twilight movie comes out. :)

My hangout with Jesus, as of lately, feels not very good.  Imagine the Holy Spirit inside of me.. still there but kind of shriveled up like a giant prune.  Dried out.

The truth is, I am distracted, busy, un-involved, spending too much time being in the world, lacking self-control, discontent, and complacent.  I think wayyy too much about myself, am not trusting of God, and get way too angry and judgmental at people instead of having compassion.  I don't have accountability, and I'm not surrounded by people who are able to constantly be pouring into me.  Not that that's an excuse anyway.  But all of this is leading me to a very works-oriented mind.  And then I fail at trying to be better.  And then it's a big dumb circle.

I am (incredibly slowly) reading through Galatians, and this verse stuck out to me:
"Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods.  But now that you know God- or rather are known by God- how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles?  Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?" (Gal. 4:8-9)

Basically I think satan keeps telling me that I am still a slave to sin when that is not who I am anymore.  At least though, this verse tells me that this has happened to other christians before and I am not the only one.  My problem is though I don't know how to be better.  I know I want to love everyone around me sooo much more than I am currently, and I want to be a hard worker and not care about my own needs, and I want to be restful and not worrying about things, I want to TRUST God and spend more time with Him and actually read my bible and genuinely pour into others.  But how?  Because lately, when I try, I fail.

The song I listen to on repeat right now is Farther Along by Josh Garrels (this guy is my life, I'm tellin ya).  I think these words are a good ending note to this blog post because even though I am experiencing this low point right now, it is not the end of the world.  I still know I am a daughter of the King and have a hope in heaven.  And since I want to change, and he wants me to change, I think I will?  I think I am just being refined right now.  One thing I can say is that ever since I became a christian, I haven't ever been NOT joyful.  Obviously I've been sad or worried or angry, but I am always fulfilled.  Nothing ever hurts me to the point where I want to be done trying.  So there.  Here's Josh:

"Skipping like a calf loose from its stall, I'm free to love once and for all.  And even when I fall I'll get back up for the joy that overflows my cup.  Heaven filled me with more than enough, broke down my levee and my bluff.  Let the flood wash me."

Diligence.

I need more of it.
Today I took the whole day off.
Please help.

Goals:
1. Never, ever bring my debit card to campus.  And stop buying food in general, unless it's from the grocery store.
2. GET UP EARLY TO READ.  This is something I have never been able to accomplish in my life.  I always read before bed.  The time has come to read in the mornings.
3. Do my homework to the best of my ability, not just the bare minimum of whatever I need to get done.  And hey.. maybe get involved in some things?!  Whoa.  Yeah.
4. Be a better friend, be a better friend, be a better friend.

Basically, I need to have better time management.  And money management.  How do I do this?  Probably not by blogging about it, huh.

"My rest is a weapon against the oppression of man's obsession to control things."

Stand on the shores of a sight unseen, the substance of this dwells in me.  'Cause my natural eyes only go skin deep, but the eyes of my heart anchor the sea.  Plumbing the depths to the place in between the tangible world and the land of dreams, because everything here ain't quite what it seems, there's more beneath the appearance of things.  A beggar could be king within the shadows of a wing.

And wisdom will honor everyone who will learn to listen, to love, and to pray and discern.  And to do the right thing even when it burns.  And to live in the light through each treacherous turn.  A man is weak, but the spirit yearns to keep to the course from the bow to the stern, and throw overboard every selfish concern that tries to work for what can't be earned.  Sometimes the only way to return is to go where the winds will take you.  And to let go of all you cannot hold on to.  For the hope beyond the blue.

Yellow and gold as the new day dawns, like a virgin unveiled who waited so long to dance and rejoice and to sing her song and to rest in the arms of a love so strong.  No one comes unless they're drawn by the voice of desire that leads 'em along to the redemption of what went wrong.  By the blood that covered the innocent one.  No more separation between us.

So lift your voice just one more time.  If there's any hope may it be a sign that everything was made to shine, despite what you can see.  So take this bread, and drink this wine, and hide your spirit in the vine where all things work by a good design for those who will believe.  And let go of all we cannot hold on to.  For the hope beyond the blue.

A couple few thangs

1. I am BUSY now.  I really want to write an organized blog post with an actual purpose to it, but I am not sure when I will find the time.
2. As a quick summary, my life now involves things like: Amanda Jorgensen, Christina Lopez, Kristina Emerick, running a mile every other day, half-hour long bus rides to campus every day filled with lecrae in my ears, remembering how much I actually enjoy my major (!) and am kind of good at it even, skyping and missing Holly Janecke, coming back to Cornerstone/Salt, missing Des Moines and everything in it, missing LINZI SHEROD, trying to learn more about cooking, filling out job applications, waiting for Emily to give me skate lessons, reading through 2 Corinthians, learning climbing lingo with Amanda and asking everyone and their three pets to teach me how to belay, learning contentment learning contentment learning contentment, resisting buying chai every day, healing the 15 bruises that were on my legs, actually doing my homework, anddddd being in a newly-formed relationship.
3. God is putting really random people in my life, and I'm trying to figure out what He wants me to do with them.
4. Quick story that you probably already know: Last spring, salt gave a message on giving that really changed my heart about how I spend my money.  They said "give more than you think you can manage, and then see how God still provides for your needs".  I was kind of unsure, but I decided to be as give-y as possible anyway.  I went through a TON of money over the summer, and I tried to help out my friends and family and give to people I know doing mission stuff a lot.  By the end of summer I was in the "okay, let's see how God will provide, because I kind of need Him too now" point.  Then, my dad did something that hurt me both financially and emotionally, but let's not get into the details of that.  The point is I was worried about whether I would even be able to go to school this fall.  So I was freaking out for a few days, but I got to meet with a financial aid guy and (very miraculously and only by Jesus) I am now financially set for the whole year!  And then some!  And the guy said he would help me out a lot next year when this same kind of situation comes up.  It's kind of a big deal.  PTL.

And now, I leave you with this:

I got to see all the sheep at the state fair, and it made me even more excited to own my flock of sheep in the future.  The only bad thing was they were all already sheered!

There's grace for people like me.

Right?  Yeah?

I want to write a long blog soon about how crazy great my summer was and how I'm moving back to Ames soon and just give a general update on my life.

But right now I feel the need to acknowledge the fact that recently I have been a pretty bad friend/sister/daughter.  I have a whole bunch of wonderful people in my life, but for the most part I have been shoving them onto the sidelines of my life. For the past week or so.

I have selfish priorities.

1. I'm sorry for hurting anyone and for taking everyone for granted.
2. Thank you for not hating  all over me, judging me, and for having patience.
3. I would like to change.  I will start now.

That's all for now I guess.  Be back soon, blog.

Furious Love

And I watch that over, and over and over in people’s lives where they go “I don’t like God anymore.” Something terrible happens in their life, maybe their spouse dies or they lose a child or, all the crazy stories we hear, and they go “that’s God’s fault, I blame God for that,” and they walk away. But God goes, “I still love you, I still care about you, and I will set up circumstances so that you will have to try very hard, to not love Me back, because I, in this marriage, I’m the bridegroom, and you’re the bride. And in this marriage, I’m the one pursuing you, I’m the male in this relationship, I’m the pursuer, and I love you way more than you love me, and you can try to reject me and play hard to get, but you have no idea how hard it’s gonna be, to not love me.”

-Kris Vallotton, Associate Pastor, Bethel Church, Redding, CA

You don't get it.

So, my friend painted me this painting.  It's a painting of Jesus' face with crosses and some hebrew on it, except it's great because she painted it in this raw, real, "Jesus actually walked the earth and died for you and was exactly who he said he was and has significantly changed my life" kind of way that only she can project onto a canvas.  I was really happy when she gave it to me.  But this morning I woke up, and it was the first thing I saw, and the Holy Spirit just kind of jumped inside me for a second.  Immediately a question formed itself in my mind.  Immediately.

"Do you not understand what I've done for you?"

And bam, convicted just like that!  But in such a loving way.  There's nowhere I can run to where the Lord isn't there pursuing me still.  I can pretend to ignore Him as much as I want, but that doesn't mean He's not there loving me, and it doesn't mean He's not going to find some super creative way to get my attention.  You know, for a long time I thought of God as kind of stoic.  Not like He's standing there with His arms crossed and silently shaking His head at me, but not like he's ever excited or happy with me either.  I asked Him to help me understand how He views me, and it's starting to make more sense!

Which brings me back to that question.  And leads me to the conclusion that I am gradually wrapping my mind around the fact that God loves me.  That's super basic, I know, but to FULLY understand it is a crazy thing.  If I fully understood that God is real and Jesus is real and He gave Himself as a sacrifice for all the wrong I have done and ever will do and that I will be spending ETERNITY with Him.. well that should dramatically change my perspective on life and how I live.  Now let me type to myself here for a minute because I'm horrible at writing and need to get this out of my head..

Do I not understand what Jesus did for me?  How I mean the world to Him?  How the creator of all those mountains I think are so pretty and those thunderstorms and those crazy fish that live a million miles under water and the stars that are lightyears away created ME?  How He decided to give me lots of freckles and be more pale than anyone I know and made the sound of my own personal laughter and the way I look when I'm crying? And how He tells all the cells of my body what to do and makes my heart keep beating for all this time and makes my brain do a bazillion things all at once?  How He thought up a beautiful, joyful, perfect plan for my life before I was born and knows everything that has yet to happen to me?  Do I understand how I run and run and run from Him and blatently reject what He's telling me to do and usually end up hurting myself and have to deal with a bunch of consequences, and even though this happens, He's still patiently waiting for me with open arms?  How He protects me every day and provides the things I need?  How He's blessed me with good health, a fantastic standard of living, personal freedoms, amaaaazing people in my life, a family that truly cares for me, and seemingly endless opportunity for the rest of my life here?  How the God of everything humbled Himself by becoming a baby on earth, grew up, let Himself suffer a horrible death, and allow all of God the Father's wrath that I deserved to be poured out on Himself, even though He didn't do a single thing wrong in His entire life?  How He has so patiently and creatively brought people into my life to help re-introduce me to Him?  How He has lifted me out of circumstances that I couldn't/wouldn't get out of on my own?  Do I understand how He knows my true potential and everything I will do with the rest of my life here, and how it will be great as long as I listen to Him?

Okay, that was long.

But really.  This is where I'm at right now.  Jesus is enthralled by me.  Doesn't that mean so much more than what any human being could ever think of me?  This is security and acceptance, my friends.

This was unintentional.

Lord, something I need from You pretty badly right now is solid truth that can put my emotions on the back burner.  And peace.  Teach me to be content with You, at all times, no matter what my life is doing.

These mean a lot to me.

So I swallow my pride,
Empowered by God,
I'm complete in Him.

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace.
Acts 20:24

Crazy past couple of days

Everyone needs a Linzi and Megan in their life, for times when several sad things get piled on you all at the same time, and you start being a baby and cry in the car.  They will pull over to a sketchy area, give you a sandwich hug, tell you nice things, and give you a towel to use as a kleenex.  And then they will make you a family dinner consisting of chips, more chips, tater tots, pizza rolls, "apple pie", and guy gardners.  And then you will get to play with Tender.

I will miss things like this, a lot, when/if I move back to Ames.

I would much rather have the life I have now and everyone in it, than go back to January, have an unnamed person back in my life, and have the future I thought I was going to have.

God isn't always necessarily kind, but He IS. ALWAYS. LOVING.

Heart Guard

A few things I thought about tonight:
1. I am happy to be naive.  Not ignorant, just kind of protected from some things that sadly, a lot of people experience.  I am more blessed than I realize.  I am happy to be an introvert.  I am happy to be a good girl.  I like wanting to be friends with everyone.  I'm glad I am super weird and make failed attempts at jokes all the time.  I am happy to be able to say that I don't hate myself, I don't think I am extremely ugly, I know I have worth, and I know I am loved.  There are a lot of people that can't say those things.  That hurts me, and I just want them to not feel that way, and I wish I could help them more.
2. I am not going to date anyone except my husband.
3. I wish there was Anthem in the summer.

And now, some pictures of sheep.  Because why not.

well, guess I know where I want to live now.

:)

Yesterday I got this email that was SUPER encouraging to me.  It's from this person that I've been talking to about Jesus for almost a year pretty much.  I've brought her to church a lot and we've had lots of deep talks about stuff.  We're reading a book together right now, and we've been discussing it almost every day.  She sent me an email with a bunch of questions.  I tried to answer them as best I could.  And then she sent THIS back to me:

(A few things have been minorly changed to keep anonymity!)

Kaytee--

I am going to print this email out and keep it for the rest of my life.  I know why we are reading this book (so I guess God must have planned it--hmph--he's showing me up).  You are helping me with Truth.  I am helping you fine tune the gift of evangelism.  You are not talking at me; lecturing off things you have memorized from church.  You are speaking from a much deeper place because you love me.  I can't tell you how many puzzle pieces were put together for me in one email.  Maybe God wants to teach you how to love all of His people because if you are to be an evangelist you have to love all God's people and speak to them from a love that wants to heal them. Getting to know you for the last couple of years has shown me that you are not just "my younger friend".  You have helped me tread water for a while.  I think you understand how I come to Jesus from a broken place and you want to free me as I wanted to free my brother, and that is a live example of Jesus's love through you.  That is true evangelism.  Remember when I had my "Cornerstone meltdown" and we talked in my apartment for a while.  I told you some examples of what I carry and you said, "I feel like I haven't been through anything that hard in my life."  You have been through hard times, but you are not shattered.  Remember that day I was furious at the pastor because he was speaking about church planting and evangelism and all the college kids in Iowa City they were helping.  I got angry because I didn't believe him.  I didn't think he knew about who needs evangelism.  I was angry that he was so focused on college kids. I kept thinking about Christ spending most of His time with the lepers, prostitutes, tax-collectors, and adulterers.  I know I got overly angry that day because of the journey I am on, but Kaytee--YOU are getting a sneak peek at a shattered heart; enslaved and scared by life, but that Jesus wants to put back together again.  If you looked for brokenness in other people and loved them as you love me you could unlock some of those chains on people.  You are learning how to speak from love and not lecture.  Some time in your life you may come across someone Jesus asks you to "save".  If you try to identify with the pain they are feeling you will know what NOT to say to them, to earn their trust, and then you can speak to them out of love.  You could go deeper with evangelism.  Find the women at the well or the leper.  Be brave enough to feel their pain that you have witnessed through me. So you know exactly what to say and what NOT to say.  You may be being groomed to have a gift similar to your older pastor's wife. Prepare for battle Kaytee it could get rough:)

Literally the day before I got this I was praying and being like "God have I ever helped someone see who you are?" Because I usually end up feeling like I've pushed people away after I talk to them about Jesus.  But seeing that Jesus worked through me to help just one person, makes everything worth it!  We really shouldn't be so afraid to share the gospel.  Yes, there will be a lot of people cutting you down for it and denying everything you're speaking about.  But every once in awhile, someone opens their heart and they get it!  God is crazy and sneaky.

Happy happy happy.

Come and Save Me

"Some of My children find Me more readily during dark times, when difficulties force them to depend on me.  Others feel closer to me when their lives are filled with good things.  They respond with thanksgiving and praise, thus opening wide the door to My presence."
-Jesus Calling

I have been kinda bumming out about how selfish I've been the last couple of days.  I keep getting worked up and anxious over things in my life, and I am a firm believer that worry always results in sin (aka not trusting God has a handle on situations), and I'm basically just in one big pile of selfish, anxious, stupid sin.  And then on top of that, I am succeeding at reading everything BUT my bible a lot lately, and I just miss God.  And I'm the one keeping myself from being close to Him.  Annnd we're back in the big pile of selfishness.

I think a key part of deciding to follow Jesus means you switch the focus from yourself to Him.  Francis Chan woke me up to the idea that I seriously need to get over myself already.  And that life is NOT about me.  It isn't. Sometimes I grasp this idea fully, and when that happens, I feel freedom.  So why aren't I a wonderful selfless person all the time?  Does this mean my flesh is ALWAYS going to hold me back?  My whole life?  That makes me want to cry.  But at the same time it kind of makes sense, that I can never measure up to God.  And even more thankful for what Jesus did.

I am a terrible writer, I should probably tie in to that quote I put at the top.  Even though I am in my selfish rut right now, it seems like God is showering me with blessings.  I have not been this happy in general ever.  God is just giving me gifts upon gifts and I am so confused at them.  Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  That is a really lovely verse, but I feel like I am not loving Him enough to deserve everything He is giving me right now.  Obviously I want to feel closer to God during times like these, and I hope He can teach me to be more gracious and thankful and just accepting of what He gives me.  If I'm being honest though, I have never felt closer to Him than when I am suffering, when all I can do is depend on Him.  That scares me, because that might mean I have to go through more suffering to be closer to Him.  I mean if that's what it takes.. then okay.

I think the point of this post was to a) express some thanks for this hurricane of undeserved love God is giving me, but also to b) work through in my mind that I will probably go through more tough times in order to be closer to Him.  Which is good.  This is what I want.

And also c) to ask for help on shifting my focus from what I want to what God wants and what I can be doing for other people.  That solves my whole worrying problem too.

There you have it, folks.

Will you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

Heavenly Father, you always amaze me.  Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life.  Give me the food I need to live through the day and forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me.  Lead me far from temptation, deliver me from the evil one.  I look out the window, the birds are composing.  Not a note is out of tune or out of place.  I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers, better dressed than any girl on her wedding day.  So why do I worry?  Why do I freak out?  God knows what I need, You know what I need.  Your love is strong.  The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing.  Invade my heart, invade this broken town.  The kingdom of the heavens is buried treasure.  Will you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?  Two things you told me- that you are strong and you love me.  Yes, you love me.  Your love is strong.  Our God in heaven, hallowed be Thy name above all names.  Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us today our daily bread, forgive us weary sinners.  Lead us far from our vices, and deliver us from these prisons.

Hey Jesus

Can you teach me to be content in you and only you?  I keep tricking myself into thinking I need other things to make me happy.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

Exodus 14:14

Looking back through my journal, I saw I wrote something on April 1 that was like "I think my brain is trying to push February out of my mind entirely it was so horrible.  March was all over the place.  What the heck is April going to bring?  May?  Summer?!"  I remember writing that being terrified I was never going to feel better.  I think that was the worst part, just not knowing if I could even feel better.  I know this is repetitive and probably annoying by now, but the only thing I cared about (and my whole identity) was taken from me and it wasn't fun.  I just feel like reflecting for a minute because enough time has gone by now that I am starting to see ways God has been working through it more and more clearly.

I wasn't sure what April was going to bring in the beginning, but now May is here and I can tell you that April brought healing.  I am not the same person I was at the beginning of this semester.  In so many ways.  At first I had absolutely no choice but to rely on God to get through the day.  I work at 7 am two days a week, and I walk there, so that means I get up at 6 am.  In the middle of February that means it's pitch black out and freezing and pretty much the last thing I wanted to do in life.  Not to mention nobody else is awake, let alone outside.  Add to that I no longer had what my entire life revolved around, leaving me with zero ambition, zero identity, zero future, zero self-assurance, the list goes on.  Perhaps it was my people-pleaser personality that got me out of bed, or maybe I needed routine.  But I set out on my dark/freezing/blizzard journey every day and played Phil Wickham the whole way.  I really need to download new worship music by now haha.  Anyway.  Me and God began building a true and lasting relationship during these times.  I thought I knew him before, but I had no idea.  It's hard to explain.  I learned to be honest with him, to trust him, to ask him for help, to let him take care of me, to be broken in front of him, to just plain hangout with him.  And then he surrounded me with amazing people.  Suddenly I made a bunch of friends and started putting myself out there and trying to genuinely care for everyone else.  I'm not alone.  I have built some wonderful lasting friendships and am so grateful to be able to say that.  Not to mention I've been a baby and kind of an emotional leach the whole semester so it's not like I even deserved them.  And then I started to really understand the bible as God's word, which has been great.  In order to get through some days I spent all my free time just reading and learning.

This is cheesy, but as the weather got warmer and the snow melted and things started turning green, I've seen more changes in myself, and I'm continuing to grow.  I am a blank slate.  In so many ways I have died to a past life and a past self.  I'm gradually finding out who I am and who I am supposed to be.  I am finding new and re-newed passions of mine.  My future is wide open.  A lot of negativity has left my life, and this is a good thing.  I remember when I first caught myself feeling happy, or when I caught myself thinking about something else for once.  These times are increasing and growing closer together.  I remember finally getting a peaceful night's sleep.  One of the best days was when I decided to fight back against myself and my negative thoughts.  I know all of this comes only from constantly relying on and being absolutely desperate for God.  This was not my choice.  I kicked and screamed until I had nothing left.  God picked me up and placed me where he wanted me, which is actually what is best for me and for my own good.  But I couldn't do it myself.

I am not completely healed yet.  There are still some bad times, and let me tell you I still have so much to learn.  But underneath the temporary bad emotions is a completely real and solid peace.  There is hope and freedom.  There is joy!  And these are brand new feelings.  I don't think I have been this happy since I was a little girl.  Truth.  It's kind of amazing.  I know I am and always will be taken care of.  And whenever I fall into things I shouldn't be, I feel God catching me and bringing me back.  He really is not leaving me, and it's so crazy.

Well, there's that.  Now summer is starting.  I have no idea what will happen.  I think I will just float for awhile.

Things change when you mean the words you sing!

I need you to soften my heart, to break me apart.
I need you to open my eyes, to see that you're shaping my life.
I need you to pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me.

All I am I surrender.

Give me faith to trust what you say.
That you're good and your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give you my life.

I may be weak, but your spirit's strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but my God you never will.

I like rain!

I do.  Probably because I like warm things like hot chocolate and long showers and never getting out of my bed, which I like to refer to as my nest.  All my classes were cancelled today, so this is what I've been doing.  Lately the days have been going by so fast, it's just nice to have a day of staying home.  I probably wont be doing any veeeeesha fun things (I don't even know what happens during veishea) because I have so much homework and studying to do.  I will be taking the 301 test next Thursday.  Wish me luck.

Aside from staying in and keeping comfy, today is just one of those days where it seems like every other girl in the world is prettier than you.  Please tell me I'm not the only girl who experiences these days.  I know I know appearance isn't supposed to matter at all, but I've also been thinking about my "inner beauty" lately and I'm not sure at all what I have to offer!  Please don't get me wrong here, a lot of days I wake up and think I look pretty good and am a wonderful loveable well-rounded girl.  It's just sometimes I have these days.  I'm trying to figure out what my talents are and how I can use them.  What my gifts are.  How to be the best me possible.  It seems like everyone has these amazing qualities about themselves, everyone, and it is leaving me feeling.. extremely average.

Last night at Salt was the money talk, and I thought I would be really close-minded to it, but I kind of understood it.  He was saying how having a bunch of stuff does not make people happy, and that is sinking into me more and more.  The materialism of my everyday life is drying me up.  Every day I go to class with a bunch of girls all dressed up, and we compete against eachother to make the best garments/illustrations/trendboards/whatever.  Now, I do like my major.  I genuinely love the creative design process and trend forecasting and just.. creating.  But my perfectionism in it is hurting me.  It's like.. if I'm not the best, I am nothing at all.  So a lot of this is my own fault, but it does make it more difficult when I am surrounded by everyone else's materialsm too.  It's making me wonder if everyone feels this way?  And if we're all just faking happy to eachother? (Disclaimer: I love everyone in my classes/major in general.  They make wonderful clothes and I love complimenting them and they are so nice to me.  I don't want this to seem like I'm being all self-righteous and like I'm better than them.  My point is just that stuff doesn't equal happiness.)

Right now all of this is making me want to give away everything I own and move to Africa or something.  The only thing I am truly truly passionate about is Jesus.  I know he wants me to work hard at everything I do, like school and work, but I can't get the idea out of my head that nothing in this world is lasting.  I can own all the clothes I want and have the most amazing career ever, but that won't make me happy.  And none of it will be there after I die.

I want to find a way for God to be involved in my fashion stuff.  How can this work?  I know He would first have to help me be okay with not being the best and be able to resist all the materialism thrown at me constantly.  My perspective would have to change.  So either that will happen, or He will present something else for me to do with my life.

I am probably worrying too much and thinking too hard.  I know I am worrying too much. It just bothers me not knowing what the future is going to be like.  I guess I will leave you with a verse that I should keep saying to myself:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important that food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
-Matthew 6:25-27

Anddd that reminds of Shane Claiborne!  Go watch his "best sermon ever" video. :)

First post. So much pressure.

Hi friends. :)

I have decided to join the blogging crowd for.. reasons unknown.  I guess perhaps I just have a lot of thoughts and would like to share them with others.  I will probably go the God route on this thing, but keep it real as possible.  I'm still learning a lot.  And by a lot I mean.. a whole lot.  Any encouragement will be greatly appreciated.

I feel like I should be introducing myself or something.  My name is Kaytee.  I am 20.  I am a student.  I live in Ames.  I'm trying to figure out all of life.  It's hard.  You probably already know all these things about me.  I am currently putting off illustration homework of drawing men and children.. and instead am making this and eating chedder rice cakes and drinking diet white tea with raspberry.  Did you know you spell raspberry with a P?  This is probably one of the most delicious combinations of flavors I have ever experienced. Good life over here.

The title of this blog was inspired by kittens.  Actually it was inspired by Psalm 23:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

After hearing Paul Sabino speak about this for a long time.. the most prevalent emotion I felt was peace.  If you want to hear him for yourself, go here: http://www.saltcompany.com/index.php/recources/messages/
and click the "Retreat Saturday Night" one.  Anyway, I've been having a really hard semester emotionally and mentally, and this psalm came into my life at the perfect time.  It was kind of like.. yeah, I am going to have to go through hard times throughout my entire life, but a lot of times they are for a purpose, and are good things, and if God is there leading me through them.. I think I can do it.  My emotions are still overwhelming me on a day-to-day basis right now, but hearing truths like this gives me solid ground to stand on.

Other things going on in my life right now.. I am searching for a summer job, and just generally still trying to figure out what I'm going to do this summer.  Late I know.  I will probably end up floating between Ames and Ankeny and working in one of those places.  If anyone knows of anywhere that is hiring, it would be wonderful of you to let me know.  I am still trying to pretend I know how to skate, and it's beautiful outside so hopefully I will get on that soon.  The only problem is my skateboard is long lost, which is sad because it was nice and expensive.  Anyone have an old one they would like to donate to me? :)  Also my vans have developed a huge hole in them.  So I have no shoes to skate.

That's all for now I guess!